No Means No Except When Men Blame the Victim
When I was a teenager, back in the 1970s, when reports of sexual violence were few and far between, my Mom told me that if a man touched me where I didn’t want him to, I should just take it — it’s what men do.
Yes, it’s dangerous thinking, but it was the thinking of the time and apparently, is the same today. My Mom had her reason for telling me that; she was a victim of sexual violence from the same man who abused me and my sister.
My mom’s reasoning? If you report inappropriate touching or violence, you’ll just be blamed and the perpetrator will walk away with a slap on the back from his friends. Your life would be ruined because, after all, if it happened, it had to be your fault, as a woman or as a young child.
Fast forward to 2021, almost a lifetime. We’re seeing almost the same thing in the media with some well-known men who insist all their inappropriate conduct was consensual. And they probably believe it because they either weren’t listening or they were men with a measure of power over a woman, real or imagined.
And be forewarned — this isn’t a political statement. Rather, it’s a social statement. Men still don’t get it.
Those subjected to sexual misconduct are NEVER to blame, but the perpetrators and the defense attorneys will always go that route. “She was asking for it.” “He let me touch him.” “She was dressed provocatively.” That’s ridiculous. It’s like saying someone standing on a street corner waiting to cross the street was begging to be hit by a car, or a young child hit by a stray bullet wanted to be killed.
Let's take a closer look at the current situation in the media from the standpoint of the women. Let’s say you’re on the elevator with your boss, a prominent man. Let’s say you’re his bodyguard. He kisses you, “accidentally” brushes your breast, tells you he thinks you’re pretty with no regard to personal space.
What are you going to do? Report him to your higher-ups, who are all men? At the last, they’ll brush it under the rug and tell you “he’s just like that.” At worst, they’ll tell him you complained, and not only are you out on the street, but your career as a bodyguard is out the window because, after all, who’s going to hire an “overly-sensitive” woman? This issue also covers those who are in a support role, such as executive assistants and secretaries.
Then again, it doesn’t have to be a public figure for this to happen. In thousands of homes, on a daily basis, children are subjected to violations of their personal space. When brought to the attention of their parents, they are not believed.
So what’s a woman to do? She feels powerless. She feels like she can’t say “no” for fear she’ll be blackballed. But she feels violated all the same.
Here’s a little note to all those men who feel they have the right to do whatever they want to the body of another person, regardless of gender — you don’t. It’s a lesson most of us learn in kindergarten. Whether they say “no” or not, you have no right to touch another person in a way that is deemed inappropriate.
Shame on you, those who blame the victims. Doing so merely perpetuates the idea that others are at your bidding. You’re wrong. And you’re ALWAYS wrong.
Let’s call it what it is — battery. It’s not “joking around.” It’s not “kidding.” It’s not “teaching the child about life.” And it’s NEVER funny. No one wants to be the subject of objectification. And NO man has the RIGHT to touch anyone else — full stop.
Of course, all this applies whether you’re in an elevator, a boardroom, or a bedroom. And if a woman says it happened — especially if multiple women say it happened in the same way by the same person — believe them.
Because they’re right. And they are the victims.
